I get that, but you really weren't a "self pitying jerk". Not any more than the rest of us. Your interactions with others were honestly more natural than mine were lol- I do know how that feels though...That feeling of hate for how you said things or responded to something...that's sad, but rather common. I really do get that...It's hard to deal with that. I'm probably not helping at all- sorry. I don't really know what to say...But I think we all experience that feeling of dislike for our past actions. Or at least, that I know of. I think, in my experience, it's good to let go of the hate for the past, but start to grow and change from who you were before. Again, really sorry if none of this helps at all, I tried, but again, sorry.