i am honestly pitiful.

i am worthless.

i am apathetic.

i am stupid.

several weeks ago i finally cut contact with that jerkwad manipulative "friend". FINALLY. that bitсh blocked me when i lashed out at them. i barely lashed out, by the way. i just said "shut the fuсk up" because they kept spamming and i already had pent up rage against him so a little bit of it bled through i guess. i think he just did it to make me feel bad. i am sooo happy. blocked him back. i fuсking hate him.

i act like such an idiot. i try to have some dignity and think deeply out loud, and i end up being humiliated, and then get pitifully defensive and everyone hates me to the point where i eventually just become a punching bag for everyone else. in retrospect, the two most impactful times it happened, the instigator(s) were the one(s) in the wrong, the first time moreso. the second one was an argument about philosophical stuff with the child of a philosopher (so they knew a lot about it) and i never claimed to be good at philosophy until the end when i just gave up and acted like a completely self-centric idiot because i just wanted closure, even if i wasn't satisfied with the outcome. they were missing the point of my argument the entire time because they were still assuming i thought i was good at philosophy and were extremely enforcing of the strict rules of argumentation. they also insulted me a lot for no reason. the whole reason that i formed this defense mechanism of being an idiot is because i seek constant validation like the puny idiot that i really am. the reason that i seek constant validation is because of the manipulative "friend". said "friend" also liked to use my idiocy against me. allll the time. what a fuсking hypocrite! after the incident with the philosopher and dealing with the people at my current school, i have also begun to use the idiocy as a way to just feed others' egos. i don't know what other people are going through, and i don't care about myself, so i might as well hold onto some enjoyment in arguments where im going to act stupid anyways. i know it's probably not helping in the way i want it to, but whatever. i need a purpose. i have no purpose. my future is going nowhere. it's currently pointing to one good place that i don't know if i can even achieve. as for every other possibility, i'm going to end up prematurely dead, actually completely insane, or otherwise astray. i at least want to enjoy what time i have. by the way, im probably going to have to go to summer school for math. i haven't turned in any work at all. i've tried but i just can't. i always make mistakes constantly and the numbers don't work in my head right. i didn't even end up turning in the final exam because im too stupid to do basic algebra. i can wrap my head around geometry pretty well, but just can't do basic algebra. it required division with integers going into decimals which is just painful and it feels asymmetrical. next week it will be summer break, and the first two weeks are going to be spent preparing to move. i'm going to have to confront old moldy fruit that i didn't eat because i'm starving myself. not entirely on purpose, but i totally deserve it. then im going to be in an apartment and im going to have finally lost everything in my life besides my family and i don't even want to have to deal with my family. they're really good but there's so much they don't know about me that i am scared to tell them. i can't tell them. i can't. they make everything worse for me and they don't even know. im also seriously susceptible to delusions and sometimes hallucination. i probably have psychotic depression, but i don't have a diagnosis, and i'm not going to get one. i refuse to show any real emotion to those who seek it. my only good outlet is this stupid website. i hate being neurodivergent and queer. i don't even have the energy to create anymore, and when i do it's short-lived or im not able to make anything good. i don't know the language people are speaking around me and i don't have the energy to learn it anymore. i have an underlying hatred, apathy, or fear towards almost everyone i know. several times i have tried to justify my stupidity, i know i have, but the truth is that all of the cause is so far past and i can't change anything about it. i kind of don't want to because i don't even want to keep living. i know you all care about me and i love you all and you have had an important impact on me that i am, deep down, even as deep as my apathy goes within me, grateful for you. but there is literally nothing you can do to help. i keep chasing anything that reminds me of better times but in reality i am losing it all. all the media that has made me shallowly happy (not anything profoundly good for me like night in the woods and corru.observer) because they remind me of better times. sometimes i wonder if any of the times im calling better were even better at all. they were just simpler and i felt shallowly happy.