Reply to u0.woli_:

Sorry, you became victim to my ranting.... that wasn't good my apologies. Storm it. I need to go to bed..... But also for artworks yeah, vent artworks always been here since I started on gp. And I use a lot of symbolism in all my writing and art for stuff I've been through....

Anyways my apologies for ranting, probably was not wanted but... well opened the floodgates. Yeah no, not ok, too much stuff...

Reply to 🩵AKITA ROMERO🩷:

it wasn't that. There was no control, no escape, and it wouldn't stop....Plus my school sucks at dealing with that stuff so apparently I was also being screamed at for not going down and grabbing something at an assembly, plus a teacher yelling- And no one cared except close friends....

Plus I've just been dealing with a lot... Also vent artworks were always present! Art's one of my major coping mechs, and I have wired headphones that block EVERYTHING, so I tend to just use digital for art and when my headspace is f'ed up, I don't have the spoons to track down my storming stylus.

Reply to 🩵AKITA ROMERO🩷:

Oh and been having what is suspected to be meltdowns lately! Yay! Well actually had then when younger I think but uh... hit a... really bad one a few days ago, and a couple more since.... It was by far the scariest thing I've experienced, and that's saying something coming from someone who was there when their own sister died (yes yes I need to go to therapy, working on it...). So much noise, processing basically went down, couldn't even control my own body, breaking down, so much noise, it hurt, and well... it was absolutely terrifying. And it wasn't a panic attack, because I know how those go...

Reply to 🩵AKITA ROMERO🩷:

I hyperanalyze everything yet cannot understand simple things that I have to know for managing life. The most random things set off a breakdown, especially if it's been building... Plus, been losing voice far more often lately (verbal shutdowns) and basically my brain has decided to just go and check out from reality and be completely unresponsive several times lately, though less now off of meds. Handling changes in routines/predicted things has been a NIGHTMARE. Always has been but my hyperanalyzing situations does not help.

Reply to 🩵AKITA ROMERO🩷:

I get treated like a pet sometimes, I get weird looks or laughed at in social situations that I think are normal. All. The. Storming. Time. I need routine but I hate being bound to it at the same time. I can't use simple skills others easily get, I don't understand tihngs people call "straight forward" (which I'd like to say is about as straight as my hair). And... I've been so overstim all the time lately... every clock ticking, every electricity sound, all the fabric noise from clothes, people walking, talking, I can hear it all.... And it's too much. I've been told I need to stop wearing headphones but I genuinely go insane without.

Reply to u0.woli_:

Plus, doesn't help I was once the "gifted kid" who was so smart and got good at math etc etc but now can't even fully understand instructions, and says things weirdly or with the wrong tone of voice. I say something apologetically, and it's angry sounding. I'm happy, but told I sound depressed. Doesn't help I force myself into the calm polite quiet kid mask all the time... Basically, I'm a tiny tornado of chaos and joy and whimsy sometimes but not around people because the jumping and high pitched voice and hand movements are punished or treated weirdly. I don't understand people in the slightest, everyone else is speaking a hidden language that somehow they intuitively just get. My words are taken wrong all the time or misunderstood because "they're too fancy" or "they're too bizarre, you sound like AI". Family is awful for it, one side completely mocks ND people and I worry they do the same about me...

Reply to u0.woli_:

But also not, you know? I feel EVERYTHING right now and I've been trying so hard to mask but I'm hitting my limit. Plus, it's been ever more apparent something's not... right with me, compared to everyone else. I was always the weird crybaby early on and I struggled with social cues and that but I was a little better at it, or maybe more oblivious and less "jaded" in some ways. Because while I had terrible regulation and had a lot of anger issues, it wasn't like this... I've been in a bad way for several years now, but Idk, I've been realizing just how out of place I am.

Reply to u0.woli_:

I don't even know at this point... I've been hitting a lot of low points lately, my headspace is a mess, my emotions are off the charts after being numbed by meds for months (long story). And I've been so incredibly tired... I should be fine, I have support, but I don't feel fine. It's been getting worse lately due to meds, my anxiety & depression sky rocketing, a lot more signs showing up- probably because I was masking but then almost forgot how to mask... some extra family trauma, and I've just been both at my best and worst at the same time somehow. I have things I enjoy in life, things I love, things I'm excited for. I'm not as numb or wanting to leave anymore. But....I'm back to full chaos and mental energy which is great!

Akita, have you been doing ok lately? You've been making a lot more artworks of a vent-y nature lately, and I've noticed that a lot of it and a lot of what you've been talking about on other people's posts too has been related to autism or just feeling separated from others generally...

So I want you to know that even without the details if there's something specific happening I have a good idea of what is ostensibly going on, and I can relate to it, and I don't want you to feel alone

So I just wanted to make sure you're doing ok

I know I'm probably not communicating very well here but I hope it's still understandable